tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57123939675765313412024-02-19T10:18:34.192-05:00wait for iton life's heavy liftingAmy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.comBlogger548125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-3986883942301204822022-01-01T19:13:00.002-05:002022-01-01T19:13:56.193-05:00What I Read in 2021<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhT8idnHWvB3FCgH8NQQJZ8tCu0X-8qWYZJ3JcevRc2dY6M90ym3gAMFT5PaquC1wKnhFQqswH4diGCdWY4Qdehc4fBGJnY3kFb5Z4hiSkqLhetu_FWztxt50xYyeHHxazBWy2Cl1a702Ycdc8Hmn-JiFeZeB5QBK-H41ej-iMZujf4hhAtfXX8towV=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhT8idnHWvB3FCgH8NQQJZ8tCu0X-8qWYZJ3JcevRc2dY6M90ym3gAMFT5PaquC1wKnhFQqswH4diGCdWY4Qdehc4fBGJnY3kFb5Z4hiSkqLhetu_FWztxt50xYyeHHxazBWy2Cl1a702Ycdc8Hmn-JiFeZeB5QBK-H41ej-iMZujf4hhAtfXX8towV=w300-h400" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I did not read for pleasure this year until May. The previous November, on my fiftieth birthday, I applied to graduate school having scrolled through subject areas for one that sparked more than a basic interest, as I enjoy many different fields. Most of early 2021 was spent climbing the peaks of academic texts, each chapter another foot safely planted, or an effort to find better footing. In this endeavor my synapses traced an old muscularity, underdeveloped but there--ropey, always reaching, sideways and upward and sometimes back down in order to ultimately ascend.<p></p><p><i>Recollections of my Nonexistence, Rebecca Solnit, read in May</i></p><p><i>Broken Horses, Brandi Carlile, read in June</i></p><p>Near the end of my first semester I sensed that my son needed me more, or that I should be home more often during his long days of remote learning. His father had stopped allowing him to see me on weekends, relying, suddenly, on the original text of the divorce decree written six years prior, when our son was 12. Now he was four months from turning 18, and I was paying court fees to secure a commonsense schedule. By now I was conditioned, through experience, to believe that the courts would never uphold reason or the more logical parent, and I expected nothing. Instead, a mediator, when told our son was on the precipice of 18, asked, "What are we doing here, Greg?" And Greg proceeded without a clue that we had passed him in our ascent long before.</p><p><i>Heavy, Kiese Laymon, read in July</i></p><p><i>What the Constitution Means To Me, Heidi Schreck, read in July</i></p><p><i>My Wife Said You May Want to Marry Me, by Jason Rosenthal, read in July</i></p><p>But I had already applied for a former job in order to work twelve-hour days and be home more often during the week, just in case. I fell back in step with the rhythms of the heart, naming them and measuring their undulations. I remembered one of my first classes in electrocardiography. I couldn't catch on, I couldn't detect the waves the teacher talked about, and I was lost--but in an instant, I could see the blood flowing through my veins, like branches of a tree, sprawling outward, filling. Though I would not stay in this position, I never forgot the feeling of oneness with the intricate workings of this organ. We would name and categorize its songs and dissect them for nurses, but the heart mixed its own tape, sampled like a master DJ, and sometimes we'd call over to others to say watch this, it's sad and amazing both, he's transitioning into Asystole, the patient is dying.</p><p><i>Should We Stay or Should We Go, Lionel Shriver, read in August</i></p><p>I stared at heart rhythms until my eyes began to burn. Old symptoms visited--tingling down my arms, the feeling of nails on a chalkboard, nausea--and I googled every angle before landing on "hyperventilation eyeglasses," which won me the prize. I found a specialist two hours away whose patients come from every country. Some people don't know that these symptoms come from eyes and glasses; I had a head start because I've had versions of this for as long as I can remember. But everything was getting worse.</p><p>I took a medical leave from the heart. My first pair of glasses from the specialist didn't work. I was weeks still from relief. Even so, I could not picture facing screens again and continuing to worsen. I left the heart job and retuned to another former role, as personal trainer at a gym.</p><p><i>The Motion of the Body Through Space, by Lionel Shriver, read in August</i></p><p>The physicality of the work, away from screens, was freeing. I was so happy to be in this setting again: even bending down to clean a treadmill was an old thrill. My first client dreamed about me before she knew my name or gender, and was not surprised at all by the confirmation while awake. She was kind but a tough physiological case, and awakened my intuition from a deep slumber. I threw out the textbook answers and found a way. I was the same trainer, but I had a lot more life behind me now and made different decisions. Everything hurt or hurt her, so we danced. </p><p>I started lifting again, even though it didn't always feel right. I figured my mind wasn't fully in the game; I was preparing to present a paper at my first academic conference.</p><p>And then I stopped being able to hear.</p><p><i>Everything I Have Is Yours, Eleanor Henderson, read in November</i></p><p><i>A Dangerous Place, Chelsea DesAutels, read in November</i></p><p>Members would approach the fitness desk with a usual request, and I'd ask them to repeat themselves two, maybe three times. Sometimes I still couldn't understand but I'd fake it or laugh it off. The room wasn't terribly loud but all of the sounds were very present in my ears. When a group of guys would do their weekly heavy deadlifts, I'd have to time my walk to the other side of the building; my ear pain with each rep was excruciating and would trigger a sick feeling. Also, when I'd talk with someone at length, I'd grip the counter with one hand to keep from falling over. And I couldn't see faces at a distance that shouldn't have been a problem.</p><p>On what would turn out to be my last day, I ran into a door and couldn't figure out how to adjust a machine I knew well, but that wasn't what made me finally leave my lost love of gym work. An autistic boy, prodded by his grandmother, came over to thank me for setting up the XBOX for him. I could only hear <i>xbox</i> and see him pointing to the game, and didn't understand why he needed my help again well after he had finished playing. I put forth a mild argument, saying I thought he was done, emphasized my confusion. After his third effort to talk to me, his grandmother intervened. "He wanted to say thank you."</p><p><i>Crossroads, Jonathan Franzen, read in November</i></p><p><i>Greenlights, Matthew McConaughey, read in December</i></p><p><i>Wayward, Dana Spiotta, read in December</i></p><p>The eye doctor found that I needed a new prescription. But then she put on the noise-cancelling headphones, I cried at the relief, and she said, no new glasses just yet, you're going to Louisiana.</p><p><i>On Freedom, Maggie Nelson, read in December</i></p><p>The ear specialist shook me and spun me and poured water and loud noises into my ears. I wasn't dizzy when I should have been, and my eyes kept spinning when they should have stopped. My hearing dropped out at odd intervals. The tech drawled out a long <i>wow</i> and said that most people who test like me can't handle it, they're suicidal.</p><p><i>Life Sciences, Joy Sorman, read in December</i></p><p>I'm missing certain bones in both ears, probably from birth. Just 1% of the population has this, and it's a newly discovered condition, probably because no one recognizes symptoms such as nausea and even vision disturbances as being related. The specialist in Louisiana said that it's the weightlifters who complain and are revealed to have this; the intense cranial pressure eventually catches up with those of us who lift, and to varying degrees, we lose our balance and sense of where we are in space. Few find answers. The symptoms are both confounding and debilitating; maybe some of the others are dead. One woman I messaged isn't sure which of her symptoms come from the missing bones and which are an expected part of a brain injury; a brain injury explained my double vision, I learned this year, so I might have an overlap of symptoms, too. Now I'm under a strict protocol and can't work or drive.</p><p>These hands have carried heavy loads, this head has ricocheted from an overhand right, these fingers danced on the keys of a flute, this mind reads books. So many losses. I have seen and heard what is beautiful and hard and will keep my grip and continue to stand.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRMuasMmBuSLL83fbqXe9ByHU3r7aJNZiPItjEV5KaFviKceqB5W2ibOouIc8fHsHLTR5RulWEvKu47spXMbp7Tl2PzK2mXc_Z-8iMZuAI7lv8_DJaQoEXeIcOZPpgRb75fLXEMd-1pLU/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-27342844717578281342021-03-11T18:09:00.003-05:002021-03-11T18:09:59.117-05:00Bill<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKN81DjZ8IVXdAS1VQ-H-mQAWxWStGS1W0scwc_vUL0PG5dB4dzAvwv_HnfOr28yzxyjSDDY_ly8NbmvEUKdS7xkkvSK1JxFccF-2MWdJ7ddV-JN7SOH-5M52Y7001yuyMj_jpQ9DvJkA/s640/19114037_10212761521850230_6710696244929896911_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKN81DjZ8IVXdAS1VQ-H-mQAWxWStGS1W0scwc_vUL0PG5dB4dzAvwv_HnfOr28yzxyjSDDY_ly8NbmvEUKdS7xkkvSK1JxFccF-2MWdJ7ddV-JN7SOH-5M52Y7001yuyMj_jpQ9DvJkA/s320/19114037_10212761521850230_6710696244929896911_n.jpg" /></a><i>No one obituary could sum up my father-in-law, but I gave it a shot anyway. </i></p><p><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><br /></span></p><p><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">The Rev. William Joseph Maher, Sr., was born on July 5, 1941, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">in Oil City, Pennsylvania,</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> and b</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">efore long </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">would</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">be found riding </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">his</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">tricycle in circles until the wheel </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">stuck there</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">having gotten the </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">point</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, and it would be the first in a long line of objects animate and inanimate that would both tire of Bill’s bullheadedness and give into it, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">out of</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">sheer </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">admiration </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">for</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">such a </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">single-minded</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> sense of purpose. Having bent the bike to his will, Bill </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">would move </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">on to </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">conquer middle </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and high school bullies, raging war with the gangs that plagued the </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">neighborhood. At 18, a priest told Bill he’d have to start tithing</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> money,</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">so </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill told him a thing or two bac</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">k</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and never returned</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">; h</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">e took to the bars, instead, where, for fun and maybe </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">to face </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">a demon or two, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">he'</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">d</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> pick </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">fi</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ghts and</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">/or</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> finish them. (His adult children never quite believed these stories</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">until the day a man his age came up to them </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and said, “Man, could your dad</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> ever</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">clear a bar.”) </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill would</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> race cars on the </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">dirt </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">track and the </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">streets</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">. O</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">nce, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">when </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">a </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">policeman</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> getting a hair</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">cut flew </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">out of the barber’s chair </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and into his cruiser </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">to </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">chase </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">them, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">he </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">found his bumper chained to a tree</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">;</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> Bill kn</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ew </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">this because he had something to do with the chain, but also because he sat in the barber’s chair days later and heard a story about </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">delinquents </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">speeding through town</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> (</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">to</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">which he replied, “Those S</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">-</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">O</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">-</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">B kids</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">”).</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> This rambunctiousness, this fire, needed an outlet somewhere, and eventually hard </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">manual labor</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">could </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">steal </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">some of that energy and provide him a living. When his construction crew paused their work in Grove City, PA, for something to eat, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill spotted Sarah (Sally) Anne Davies and announced</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> to his friend</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, “I’m </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">going to get a date with her and marry her.”</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> Sally was a single mom with a two-year-old, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Betsy, and </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill was right: theirs would be a great, singular love, filled with flowers, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">danc</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ing</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">notes, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">nicknames, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">all</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">-</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">night </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">throw-down </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">arguments, a</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">nd</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, above all, laughter</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">. They married and moved to Longmont, Colorado,</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> where Bill </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ran his own cleaning business until </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">the day</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> he climbed out of a manhole and said, “I’m done.” Bill and Sally moved back</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> to western PA—with three children now, having added </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Anne </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Joe </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">to the </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">mix</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">—and Bill </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">began </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">studying history at Westminster College. </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">With </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill's </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">military background (time spent serving in the U.S. Air Force was cut short when </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">a </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">de</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">generative</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> joint</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> disease stiffened his knee), the police coveted his help</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">with security. </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">once </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">caught a student stealing from the science department </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">f</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">irst </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">by </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ramming him with his car door, then throwing him in the back seat</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">(</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">the front seat was al</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ready occupie</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">d</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> by his young son</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">). Believe it or not, Bill started back at church and would graduate from seminary, eventually preac</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">hing up to four sermons in different western PA churches on a Sunday morning. Bill was a straight-shooting sermonizer who never needed a </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW157211197 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: inherit; background-image: url("data:image/svg+xml;base64,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"); background-position: left bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; border-bottom: 1px solid transparent; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">microphone</span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW157211197 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: inherit; background-image: url("data:image/svg+xml;base64,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"); background-position: left bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; border-bottom: 1px solid transparent; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">.</span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> He’d pace the aisles and jump past the obvious points </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">to get to </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">the un</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">derlying message. He liked to teach on the Bible characters </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">who weren’t listened to, and he liked the parishioners who never thought they’d find themselves in a pew. </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">A </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">man whose wife went to church </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">every Sunday </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">without him was </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">working outside his house </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">one day </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">when </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill stopped </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and offered to</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> help </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">pour and pave </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">cement</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">.</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">O</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">nly much later in the day</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">would </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">he realize</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> that</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> this </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">stranger who’d been helping him for hours </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">was a </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">pastor </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">and</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">would you believe it, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">the man</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> found himself wanting to go to church with his wife after that.</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> Twenty-two years of this and Bill decided to retire from running a church in order to open up a new </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">one</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">: Christ Community</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Church, whose purpose was to serve folk recovering from addictions. </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">You see, b</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ack when Bill wanted to marry </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Sally, he found himself facing her father, who would later become one of his closest friends</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> but right </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">then </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">was </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">saying</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> there was no way </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">Bill would marry</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> his daughter unless he stopped drinking. </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW157211197 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: inherit; background-image: url("data:image/svg+xml;base64,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"); background-position: left bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; border-bottom: 1px solid transparent; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">So</span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> Bill</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> had a heart for these people in and out of recovery and</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> would often advocate for them in court, where the judge respected his judgment.</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">W</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">hen Sally died in 2012, Bill took it hard and became a little less social, though he still had his friends, </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">children, their spouses, and</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> all of his </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">dear </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">grandchildren</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">whose lives he followed mostly from afar</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">. And</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> his beloved Maggie, the Australian she</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">pherd who shared Bill’s mix of intensity and deep kindness.</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> S</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">oon he’d also meet</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> Pat, who would bring him an unexpected joy in his last years. Together they would enjoy the birds that flocked to their feeders, and the flow</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">ers that would bloom by their windows. Bill had lots of turns of phrases that will live on through his children, but </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">his legacy </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">shin</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">es more through what he did than what he said. He was a man of action</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">: </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">a fighter who loved fiercely</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">, with a g</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">lorious </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">white mane.</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> And that laugh</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">!</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> A</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> holy laugh </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">born from a hell of a life that was well-lived and</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">will be forever missed</span><span class="TextRun SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-ligatures: none !important; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">.</span><span class="EOP SCXW157211197 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335551550":1,"335551620":1,"335559739":160,"335559740":360}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", "Times New Roman_EmbeddedFont", "Times New Roman_MSFontService", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 27px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyYDYm1oOiJzMXEm6Pe92xY8KvX28YN9y-LIJLYc_h8eQckmEfwmpmvzvIGQSQjIlvNoz99sgr-6PuBWWcpxZOIDqRXmyRAY0Y8YgWufq_5y0HzmYE9RdWZTH37qZ2wFHzYbODTVEWF6Y/s960/wedding+joe+amy+dad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="960" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyYDYm1oOiJzMXEm6Pe92xY8KvX28YN9y-LIJLYc_h8eQckmEfwmpmvzvIGQSQjIlvNoz99sgr-6PuBWWcpxZOIDqRXmyRAY0Y8YgWufq_5y0HzmYE9RdWZTH37qZ2wFHzYbODTVEWF6Y/w320-h180/wedding+joe+amy+dad.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><br /><p></p>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-48283427942076952752020-05-10T11:45:00.002-04:002020-05-10T12:01:11.886-04:00Closing the COVID Diary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgUDOTHJdKjZlnqThg1Y-SFoE3t5un4EXIRq3TDMddZomCX-kNExvNdSwJmW5KskkKDV3dfBc94mUyiQze5g_OguNM9Q5o_ncqCuV96VRMznVgBsbVxyBROoGnhdFjFFj3fvU-_IGy-E/s1600/green+checkmarks.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgUDOTHJdKjZlnqThg1Y-SFoE3t5un4EXIRq3TDMddZomCX-kNExvNdSwJmW5KskkKDV3dfBc94mUyiQze5g_OguNM9Q5o_ncqCuV96VRMznVgBsbVxyBROoGnhdFjFFj3fvU-_IGy-E/s400/green+checkmarks.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
It's my last week at the hospital, and I'm remembering.<br />
<br />
I remember thinking they had made a mistake.<br />
<br />
"Does it seem right to you that I was hired as a nurse tech?" I asked my friend Suzanne, an RN. "Do they understand I've never done anything like this before in my life?"<br />
<br />
I remember when I didn't know a second degree heart block from a junctional rhythm, or a catheter from a cannula.<br />
<br />
I remember when we'd discard disposable masks. I'd wear several dozen a day. Once I donned an N95, realized the patient wasn't on a BiPAP, took off the N95 and threw it away.<br />
<br />
I remember when techs from other floors didn't look at me with awe and curiosity when I told them what floor I work on.<br />
<br />
I remember the first covid patient and hoping I wouldn't ever have to go in that room.<br />
<br />
I remember when I could breathe freely throughout a work day.<br />
<br />
I remember when I wasn't a hero.<br />
<br />
A hospital room is a short story-- a contained ecosystem of flesh, disease, history and hope. Two patients may have the same condition, and one will hurl insults while the other apologizes asking for water. Two patients may have attempted suicide and one reflects on her life while the other chews the inside of his mouth in order to spit blood at you. Bodies can grow so large for so long that the skin becomes as rough as the synthetic surface of a basketball. Where the folds meet, the fat tissue will flatten, like dough divided by a knife.<br />
<br />
There is an odor to bodies. Not what you know, but a warmth that grows to fill a room in proportion to the body's size. Its essence demands to be met and understood.<br />
<br />
What I understand now, 11 months later and on the eve of a new position, is that bodies do not conform to any one standard. I had worked in gyms for years and knew this, but there is a clarity now. The striving to blow up this muscle or the next--we get only one body. We are sentient beings clothed in viscera and tissue and we are fine as we are. I'm speaking of appearance, because this viscera and tissue can betray us, and we will need care, and appearance won't matter then.<br />
<br />
I remember not knowing that if you take too many pills and don't succeed in dying, you will find yourself supervised 24 hours a day in a hospital room. You will watch Pixar movies and <i>Fast & Furious</i> together, and the attendant will be there when your mother arrives to have an intimate conversation. Unless visitors aren't allowed, that is--then the two of you will be all alone, all day.<br />
<br />
Even when you start feeling better, you don't decide your fate; the social worker does. You will be drenched as the pills work their way through your pores. This has a smell.<br />
<br />
Doctors are not gods. Nurses are heroes. I remember not knowing this.<br />
<br />
Of all the jobs I've held, never before have I felt more capable and useful. Of everything I've done, being a hospital worker is most like being a boxer: there is a team but you alone must be ready to fight, enduring every second until the final bell.<br />
<br />
I remember when I never dreamed there would be a stethoscope around my neck. That I would be a part of history.<br />
<br />
I remember when I was a hero.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglHpYvAAJmHc_ciCxl8_odJAxc1CLNVpCgLHL5IzeyZwHBjJyXA32cz5un6hGutbPlu6yMKDVumBIR2xAS7j1KLcqNdlaQusD3GWpzq6e_wIZajUHkPg2mPo_kxG_FJL3D1qNJqOXzUqg/s1600/Amy+N95.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglHpYvAAJmHc_ciCxl8_odJAxc1CLNVpCgLHL5IzeyZwHBjJyXA32cz5un6hGutbPlu6yMKDVumBIR2xAS7j1KLcqNdlaQusD3GWpzq6e_wIZajUHkPg2mPo_kxG_FJL3D1qNJqOXzUqg/s200/Amy+N95.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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<br />
The diary starts <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/03/covid-diary-1.html" target="_blank">back here</a><br />
Most recent diary entry <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/05/covid-diary-7.html" target="_blank">here</a><br />
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</div>
<a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">Original story here</a><br />
<a href="https://www.amy-phillips.com/">https://www.amy-phillips.com/</a><br />
<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-32055881905647352602020-05-06T09:07:00.001-04:002020-05-06T10:51:44.018-04:00COVID Diary 7<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibGUeSpTp9esWlbE4g5u2ooqxyqPeJkFER52A3vMl-8VCbc4LPytBaMUwbTTgQRJITvYwViy0eF3ghppabnIX56KFhw3I4z0wccEXeNkKAYSV0LpTZAreY4S8IdxLpfLp4eqRtrVjXLgg/s1600/IMG-2715.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibGUeSpTp9esWlbE4g5u2ooqxyqPeJkFER52A3vMl-8VCbc4LPytBaMUwbTTgQRJITvYwViy0eF3ghppabnIX56KFhw3I4z0wccEXeNkKAYSV0LpTZAreY4S8IdxLpfLp4eqRtrVjXLgg/s400/IMG-2715.jpg" width="298" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
If the protesters could see the panic I saw<br />
in six words<br />
<i>It feels like I can't breathe</i><br />
She's not normally a complainer, she said<br />
<i>But it feels like I can't breathe</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Can you hang these in the window, he said<br />
I rolled the tape into circles<br />
Doesn't have to be fancy, he said<br />
Here she is, he said<br />
He held it so I could see:<br />
<i>Get better, Grandpa!</i><br />
I washed his proud back and pretended not to notice the weeping<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Together we watched the small rabbit outside his window.<br />
A permitted visitor.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strike>I'm so tired after these shifts</strike><br />
<strike>12 hours is so exhausting</strike><br />
<strike>and then I can't walk from the bedroom to the bathroom</strike><br />
<strike>the anxiety beforehand is overwhelming</strike><br />
<strike>Have to wash my own body instead of collapsing on the couch</strike><br />
<strike>Sometimes I pull into the driveway and can't get out of the car</strike><br />
I can't find the words<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This is my last week as a hero<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/04/covid-diary-6.html" target="_blank">View COVID Diary 6 here</a></i><br />
<br />
<a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">Original story here</a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.amy-phillips.com/"><i>https://www.amy-phillips.com/</i></a><br />
<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-4272371187793851592020-05-04T09:45:00.000-04:002020-05-04T09:45:06.177-04:00ADHD: A Love Story<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizA48tAP52bx8vefW3G0TQt4ZvxhtFzMN1RtbpYCJJS2uB9Fx3aDHEcssOhinStUuzIDPXtd3_vrLa0RUg2e3BJgKH1xYApooHZgCkro7z6cVaGHHv1no95YoQbjhg-3NeNi7OO-pvoq8/s1600/amy+kiss+joe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizA48tAP52bx8vefW3G0TQt4ZvxhtFzMN1RtbpYCJJS2uB9Fx3aDHEcssOhinStUuzIDPXtd3_vrLa0RUg2e3BJgKH1xYApooHZgCkro7z6cVaGHHv1no95YoQbjhg-3NeNi7OO-pvoq8/s400/amy+kiss+joe.jpg" width="400" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;">Read my piece <a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/adhd-a-love-story-eb33407f12f2?sk=d105d95cfa16eeab7f8278abdb00a196" target="_blank"><i>ADHD: A Love Story</i> on Medium</a> and let me know what you think!</span>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-66019468751103732102020-04-27T12:54:00.000-04:002020-05-02T12:02:05.940-04:00LegitI write about healthcare but I'm not a nurse. A boxer for a year and a half, I like to borrow the sport's metaphors. I write extensively about powerlifting but can't get my bench past 135.<br />
<br />
I go on and on about abuse but haven't ever been hit.<br />
<br />
There are days when I think maybe this offends some people.<br />
<br />
As a writer, I use words to process the world first for myself, then for others. Images and paragraphs hover, swirling, until I sit to order them meaningfully. It is then that themes arise and I understand more deeply what I think and what I meant to say.<br />
<br />
In a time when sharing online through word and image is encouraged and abundantly present, there remains something special about the art form of constructing a sentence or composing a picture. The artist trains to see, to observe. Art is for all--anyone can and should paint, draw, dance and write--but skill elevates the form.<br />
<br />
I've noticed annoyance rise in me when prominent writers reverse a position/lifestyle they've explored at book length. Elizabeth Gilbert's wildly popular <i>Eat, Pray, Love</i> detailed her courtship with the man she would marry in her next book; she opines on love, elegantly, then splits with him and partners with a woman. Mommy blogger Glennon Doyle Melton writes about working on her relationship with her husband and then marries soccer superstar Abby Wambach. Lauren Winner wrote passionately about finding Jesus after growing up in Judaism, and then had a faith crisis and I think went back to Jewish rituals, I can't keep track.<br />
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I wasn't angry that any of these women changed their paths. I was upset that they had drawn me in through robust storytelling, winning me over to their way of thinking, and now they'd gone another way. Stop being so <i>passionate</i> already.<br />
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But life is like that if you're open to love, change and growth. These women happen to be writers, and writers like to communicate the present stage of the journey even if the road ahead isn't yet visible. Through one narrative we find the universal story.<br />
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In my case, I have an astute ability to assess a situation in a short period of time. Simultaneously, I can drown in the details and only feel my feelings--my sensitive soul drops me to the bottom of each new experience, where I pick up my pen. My mother calls me "dramatic."<br />
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I began in healthcare as a nurse tech almost a year ago now, somehow landing on one of the toughest floors of the hospital. It became the Covid-19 unit. I can't speak from the point of view of those who chose this vocation in order to save lives, but I can give you a peek inside the isolation rooms from an outsider's perspective. I spent all of this past Saturday in Covid rooms. I'm legit.<br />
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I was a skinny girl who discovered heavy weights and boxing and through them found her strength. I can talk about my personal accomplishments, marvel at the fitness world, and even describe coming up for air on the other side of middle age and looking at exercise a lot differently than I did. That's legit.<br />
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But no, I wasn't abused. I wasn't hit. And yet a man raised his hand in anger at my face and slammed the hard surface next to my head. I had buried the memory for so long that when it surfaced, ten years later, the realization was an account that needed to be written. For ten years, I had told myself I was spared a violence I deserved. I stayed with a man who would do that. For the women who have encountered so much worse, I attempt to describe the person I was and the woman who would now walk right out the door.<br />
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I guess what I'm saying is I have an obligation.<br />
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My experiences provide me a sometimes privileged view into the inner lives of others. My hope is that I can articulate these worlds for you, if you haven't been, or throw a line if you're already drowning there.<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-152444188135273652020-04-19T21:53:00.001-04:002020-04-28T11:02:11.868-04:00COVID Diary 6The Covid patients are lonely.<br />
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Our gowns trap in body heat, the gloves are thinner than they were (we are out of the usual brand), the shields are disinfected with wipes you'd use on your kitchen counter (we are out of the hospital grade), the new masks collapse inward with each inhalation. Nurses are complaining of headaches and sore throats from the recycled, dry air.<br />
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But the patients are lonely.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>I was sent to France during the war, they have buildings that run a city block, you have to see it if you can. What took you to England? Could I have my coffee heated up? May I have a blanket?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span>
The hospital provides iPads to facilitate Zoom meetings with providers and families for critical care patients--it's a new department that has popped up--but on my unit, the patients typically are able to communicate on their own. With exceptions like those with dementia, our patients know what they're missing. The lack of visitors wears on them, and they brighten and become talkative when we enter the room.<br />
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<i>You go and take a break!</i> my veteran tells me once I have him safely seated onto the toilet. He doesn't understand that I'm supposed to move efficiently in his room. Though he means well, this "break" he's granted me--for I can't speed up his time on the toilet--means greater risk of exposure and a longer time on the brink of hyperventilation.<br />
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But once you're in a Covid room, you stay until you're done. At the direction of a staff member, you'll don and doff the PPE in the proper order, which takes time. So you stay until you've done everything. You remain within those walls but do not lean on them.<br />
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The room's television announces a boxing marathon for the following day. Eleven hours of legendary fights, culminating in the endurance event that is the Ali-Frazier trilogy. Boxers clinch to stop a punch but also to rest for the briefest of seconds. Relax and breathe, because for this moment, you can. In the next, much will be asked of you. As I wait on the man, I'm feeling trapped. The heat generated by the PPE is overwhelming. The heat in Manila--Ali-Frazier 3--ran to the triple digits and yet the fighters remained standing for 14 rounds. The Rumble in the Jungle saw 80 degrees and high humidity. Breathing is compromised. Energy is expended at an increased rate. I don't want this.<br />
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I had hit a breaking point earlier in the day--before talk of France, before I crossed through the hospital checkpoints. I can't go on, I thought, but kept walking toward the entrance. Eddie Futch threw in the towel to save the nearly blind Frazier moments before Ali might have quit, saying, "Sit down, son. It's all over, but no one will ever forget what you did here today."<br />
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Thank-you cards are posted in the break room--from Wisconsin, Ohio, California. Food donated from local individuals and businesses appear--pizza, sushi, pasta, chocolate.<br />
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"I'm just worried about all of <i>you</i>," said the woman in her 90s, shrugging off our concern for her condition.<br />
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Thought of my kids overwhelms me. I am no hero.<br />
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Unconscious, Tommy Hearns lies on the mat, arms and legs outstretched, his bony face appearing to smile. He has found rest. His lanky frame is carried out of the ring, a pieta.<br />
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<a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/04/covid-diary-5.html" target="_blank">Covid diary 5</a><br />
<a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">Original story</a>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-22869805597995197072020-04-15T15:06:00.001-04:002020-04-20T12:21:58.364-04:00COVID Diary 5<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>So what's it like in the hospital right now?</b><br />
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It's calm where I've been--only four or so COVID rooms on my unit last weekend, and I've been pulled to other floors, like the ED, pretty regularly. We're preparing for the surge by rearranging units and redeploying workers to new departments. I trained in the intensive care unit (and at the hospital's training facility downtown) yesterday, because my floor has been named the coronavirus-care unit and is officially now an ICU. I learned to draw arterial blood, which requires remembering which switches to push/pull at which times. I have this tendency to use an unnecessary amount of strength for simple tasks, so of course I busted a syringe off its connector and spilled blood everywhere. But learning new tasks renewed my motivation for this work, which started out as just a job I needed to take.<br />
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<b>Just a job?</b><br />
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I've always done creative work--oh, and personal training--but I ended up as a nurse tech/cardiac monitoring tech after searching for physical therapy-related positions. Occasionally I stop and observe myself during a shift and say holy cow, you're threading a tube down the throat of a sedated man, or a nurse is consulting you on a heart rhythm. I kinda know my stuff by now, but there are times when I'm like, do you know I'm a theatre major?<br />
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And there's something about entering a COVID room and following all the specific instructions for donning PPE: you know this is serious. I always feel like I'm about to perform surgery when I turn around, gloved hands raised, and have someone tie the back of my gown.<br />
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Yesterday, I ran to and from the blood bank in order to get blood for a patient who was deteriorating rapidly. Those who know me probably can't imagine me sprinting through two floors of the hospital. I always joked that I'd need to be chased by zombies in order to keep a fast pace, but as it turns out, knowing a man was dying did the trick. Of all my hours in the hospital, delivering that blood to a room full of people working on the patient was probably the moment that made me understand that what I do can make a big difference.<br />
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<b>Are you seeing fear among your coworkers? Is the media blowing this all out of proportion?</b><br />
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I'm pretty good at reading people--thank you, theatre degree--and at reading between the lines of articles (my freelance writing experience). What I see is a level of fear, especially those staff members who have loved ones who are at risk, because they see that this virus is not like any other. I also see tremendous anxiety at being asked to perform skills that are new. I never realized this before I entered healthcare, but a nurse/doctor is not a nurse is not a nurse: they are trained for the unit or clinic in which they work. But now nurses are being asked to perform ICU tasks, which I now know are much more involved than I could have guessed--even for techs. Many of these fresh faces look tired under their masks.<br />
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And while no one wants this and no one celebrates the horrors, there is certainly a level of curiosity and amazement at work. Nothing like this has been seen in our lifetime. For me, I'm a systems person; I marvel at watching the subtle ways the administration shifts policies nearly every day. I trust the people making these decisions, because they can see the big picture. At the same time, witnessing these changes and trusting the deciders makes me realize the big picture is bleak.<br />
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<b>You've said before that you never chose this work. Do you regret the circumstances that deposited you onto the front lines of a pandemic?</b><br />
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When my oldest son left for college this past fall, I had an existential crisis: do I encourage him to follow his dreams, or does he need to pursue a degree that guarantees him a solid living? You always want your kids to avoid the mistakes you've made--in my case, I wished someone had encouraged me to continue in any one of the several fields where my work was respected and I had a chance of moving up. Instead, I floundered from job to job, following my curiosity but also my fear of failure. But just the other day I realized that I was grateful, in many ways, that I didn't pursue a career, because that choice involved staying at home while my kids were young. That choice also means I can't stay at home with them during this quarantine, but I was there for all of those years, and I'm trusting I'll see them again soon.<br />
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Hospital work is more exhausting than anything I've ever done, and I'm shocked every time I see a commercial or a sign thanking people like me. But I've found a measure of peace, and will stick with it as long as I can to do my part during this historical time.<br />
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The diary starts <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/03/covid-diary-1.html" target="_blank">back here</a>.<br />
<a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/04/covid-diary-4.html" target="_blank">Diary 4</a><br />
<a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/04/covid-diary-6.html" target="_blank">Diary 6</a><br />
<a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">Original story</a><br />
<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-84384983946042648612020-04-08T11:44:00.001-04:002020-04-10T12:29:07.313-04:00COVID Diary 4<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"I stopped him," she said, staring at the place where the fence used to be. "I took and put my babies where they'd be safe." </i></span><i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">--BELOVED, by Toni Morrison</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Paul D tells her that her love is "too thick." </i></span><i style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--SparkNotes</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"The uncomfortable truth is that I did not choose this life," says the protagonist. "</span>It is inconvenient that I am in the category of the praised."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Here we have a story in which identity and vocation attach to the plot 's sinews and strangle its details. Our protagonist was a theatre major; now she's a nurse technician. She was a respected weightlifting coach; now she is twice the age of her coworkers and treated as invisible. Gray roots form a halo that we are to believe she refuses to wear, to be disposed of with the one surgical mask allotted each twelve-hour shift.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The COVID-19 pandemic sets the stage for this slightly unbelievable trajectory of events in the life of a middle-aged woman. While the characters are familiar--a loving husband, a son with an auto-immune disease, </span>a narcissistic ex and his arrogant wife--the tropes test positive for cliche. What ex-husband would risk losing his children's home--and his children's loyalty--for a frivolous lawsuit against their mother? What doctor would break with executive orders to be around her at-risk stepson--claiming an "MD and her colleagues made the decision"? The MD designation of the wife is used to cut open the mother, who stayed at home with the children while the ex had pursued his career. And while a medical field designation for a character is fitting in the larger context of the crisis, the construct here--mother turns into nurse tech while ex marries a doctor--is silly when </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">flaunted in this juvenile fashion. </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The sentiment of a mother fighting to protect her children is explored with gravity and sincerity; however, these bizarre elements restrain the story's power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The mask returns as a metaphor throughout. One could argue that mention of the protagonist's background in theatre and social justice introduces the theme; the comedy and tragedy masks employed by ancient Greeks to display emotions from a distance is a fitting symbol for a grieving mother isolated from her children. Masks are rationed at the hospital where she now works, as they are throughout the world (an accurate detail from this time). When the mother of the ex-husband's wife sews masks for the children to wear, after the wife has herself risked exposing the kids to the virus, the irony is too strong, again leaning toward the cliche. We imagine Grandma is feeling a sense of satisfied patriotism for her war effort; that she attempts to protect the kids even as her own daughter jeopardizes them is laughable, however. As a construct to intensify the mother's grief, the masks return to their roots and become, quite literally, overdramatic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The idea of home recurs as a theme, as well. The ex-husband had sued the protagonist to remove his name from the mortgage of his children's long-term home, a technicality he won despite having had all legal responsibility removed at the time of the divorce. Due to the lawsuit, the protagonist must leave her beloved job and begin at the hospital, where the crisis does not respect vocation or personal circumstances. In short: ex tries to take away children's home, mother takes job that ultimately sends the kids to live with him in his home. Here the irony works as a believable bookend that crushes her, even as the masks take away her ability to breathe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Small details surprise the reader even as our protagonist experiences them as fresh wounds. The dog sleeps all day, and she fears he will die while the children are gone. The hard plastic of the children's newly-bought toothbrushes remains intact; she can't bear to face its sharpness and expose them to the air. The children begin to pull away even as she becomes distant. Their walks are awkward, friendly, but silent. She disinfects the leash, even the mail, but they seem to be afraid of anything she's touched.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Moments from the hospital complement the storyline nicely. An elderly gentleman asks the protagonist for the time of his procedure, because his wife plans to drive by the window and wave. Like our protagonist, all patients in the hospital are isolated from their families (again, an accurate detail from this time).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">We are left with the question of motivation vs. action. Our protagonist never wanted to serve in this war and be among the heroes; the ironic circumstances that led there and to her self-isolation bring about a personal grief that's very different from that of others whose calling is to save lives. Readers are left wanting to hear more about healthcare workers' sacrifice during these unprecedented days, but our protagonist is too wrapped up in the comedy and tragedy of her own unwanted story.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Original story <a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">here</a>.</span><br />
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Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-78801961665652955852020-04-05T15:34:00.001-04:002020-04-05T15:34:49.407-04:00bring me a sword<br />
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And so they argued before the king<br />
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He then gave an order<br />
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Bring me a sword<br />
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Please, give her the living baby! Don't kill him<br />
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Neither I nor you should have him. Cut him in two<br />
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Give the living baby to the first woman<br />
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She is his mother<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-24109796445044174562020-04-03T14:30:00.003-04:002020-04-03T14:32:44.468-04:00COVID Diary 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can count on one hand the number of times I've walked into the hospital unafraid. Even before COVID hit, the anxiety of being new to this field wanted to crush me; worse, once you've completed a few months on the job you can be pulled to other units, where everything is the same but also very different. Instinctively reach for a towel and it's not there. Go to grab a gauze pad to remove an IV and find yourself making jokes to cover the number of drawers you open. The day I was pulled to the emergency department, I felt like I'd entered another building; nothing was familiar, and here I was, at the end of a long eight hours, having to learn an entirely new job at peak pace. I wake up not knowing what my day will look like.<br />
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The night-before panic is familiar, terrifying, and shouldn't be a surprise.<br />
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Now, with COVID, staff are required to complete an online screening before each shift, either upon entering the hospital or at home a few hours before. Only two doors to the hospital are open, and they are staffed as checkpoints where screenshots of green marks are verified with our badge, and hands are sanitized. I'm okay to work. <i>Am I okay to work?</i><br />
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The sidewalk leading up to the doors is covered in colorful chalk messages. <i>You got this! Thank you for what you do!</i><br />
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I have managed to stay on this side of the front lines since sending away my kids. <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2020/03/covid-diary-1.html" target="_blank">I've walked right up to the door but have not gone through. </a>But my unit is now being fitted to function as an ICU, and emails give us guidelines on post-mortem care for COVID-19 patients.<br />
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We're hearing July. The peak of the hospital surge is expected then.<br />
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When I was a boxer, I didn't talk about the dangers. I worried when the headache stuck around for a day or two, but even then I couldn't admit to myself that getting hit in the head is kind of a dumb idea.<br />
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The Flying Wallendas do not go on and on about the dangers of walking the wire. They talk about preparation and the peace of floating at the top of the world.<br />
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Because a freefall into fear would render their feats impossible.<br />
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Healthcare workers can't tell you their true fears, or they wouldn't be able to step into the abyss of this pandemic. Many are honest, many will confide to each other, but you're just not going to hear all the fear that's out there because they simply can't. That's what I've seen. We laugh and complain through our days like they're any other, but we know the sacrifice.<br />
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You can't talk that way when you're in the thick of it, or you jeopardize the miracle.<br />
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This coronavirus reminds me of my son's type 1 diabetes.<br />
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Theo can count every carb with precision and do perfect math for a bolus of insulin, but diabetes doesn't care. And then some days, despite wild guesswork, his blood sugar is near perfect. You approach each day knowing that your efforts may have no effect but you give it your all anyway, because there's really no other choice.<br />
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We can do everything right and still catch COVID-19. But we must give it our all, because there's really no other choice.<br />
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I had a couple walks outside with the kids. I disinfect the handle of the dog's leash and Theo wears gloves. They stand far away from me. God, it sucks.<br />
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Yesterday I was pulled to a different unit of the hospital. One of my patients had just been told that he needed another procedure, that a third bag would hang from the outside of his body to aid the inside. He lashed out, seeing these life-altering amendments to his body more as a sinister plot than necessity. He couldn't face that his body had failed him, and in a time when the isolation imposed by the no-visitors policy was severe.<br />
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"I'm sick of this shit," he told me. "I want to see my kids."<br />
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"I know," I said. "We want to think that if we do everything right, we can control what happens. But our bodies betray us. This is so hard for you right now, and I'm sorry."<br />
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His rage intimidated some of the staff. But I heard the fear and sat with it, absorbing the blows.<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-22119455075363200782020-03-31T11:37:00.000-04:002020-03-31T13:58:13.018-04:00COVID Diary 2<br />
DIARY 2<br />
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If I stay in my job I could get sick and be sick for a long time<br />
If I stay in my job I could die.<br />
If I stay in my job and die then my kids lost a parent<br />
If I don't stay in my job maybe I could see my kids.<br />
If I don't stay in my job my kids could get sick anyway<br />
If I don't stay in my job we won't have benefits.<br />
If I don't stay in my job my full-time position might go away, too<br />
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I played this mortality game last night. I am willing to sacrifice everything to keep my children safe and yet I have no guarantees that they would be. It's all a crapshoot, but I can't sleep if there's an action I could be taking. Is there? None of these combinations stand out as winners. My fate might already be sealed tight, like the doors of a hospital isolation room.<br />
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Got up early for the "healthcare hours" at the grocery store. 7am after finishing a 12 the night before? I showed my badge upon entering but it didn't seem anyone is being screened, really. The hours hadn't been advertised very well, and there were definitely shoppers who don't fit the category. But the workers were smiling, and pointed me toward some carts they had recently sprayed down. Some people wore full-blown N-95s in the soup aisle. Some wore gloves. I thanked the cashier for his work.</div>
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On Sunday I helped a man eat. Sometimes we're pulled into hospital rooms and have to swing into gear without knowing the diagnosis. He needed assistance, I was told, so I grabbed a towel to cover his chest and offered small bites of pureed meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Feeding adult patients in the hospital brings back memories of helping my kids when they were small. My patient insisted on lifting the cup of milk to his mouth. I leaned in at an awkward angle to be ready to save him from a spill. He held his lips open and lifted the cup at a rate that was unbearably slow, and yet I could not discourage this show of independence. When the cup appeared to stop its trajectory about six inches away, I gently supported his hands and told him I'd take it from here. I praised him for working so hard to that point. I lifted the cup to his mouth and he took a drink and I am unable to care for my own children.</div>
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Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-49207442432823475062020-03-30T11:24:00.001-04:002020-03-30T11:30:06.537-04:00COVID Diary 1<br />
As a way to continue the story I told in <a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">this essay on Medium</a>, I plan on using my blog to keep a diary of the days spent working in a hospital during the COVID-19 crisis while in a self-imposed quarantine from my kids. I anticipate--no, plan on--freeform thoughts rather than my usual essays, so that I can write when I'm tired and not care about syntax or themes.<br />
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DIARY 1<br />
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I found a little 3x5 memo book and decided to list out jobs I've had. With one page per job, I'm up to 25. Here you will find elementary school drama teacher, church secretary, reptile handler. Personal trainer, children's choir manager, stage manager. I quit Wendy's at 17 after a month; grease and contact lenses don't mix. I quit all of the jobs, I guess you could say, except writer and nurse tech. I still don't understand why I haven't yet left hospital work. It's not my chosen profession, and the apocalypse is nigh. But something inside me is saying don't leave now.<br />
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Yesterday I spent eight hours "assisting staff in donning and doffing PPE, assuring fit and integrity of PPE." With the flashy title of Hot Zone Boss, I stood outside the room of a COVID-19 patient to help staff remember the lengthy list of instructions, which have to be followed in a particular order to keep everyone safe. Details like tying the backs of gowns are easy to forget, because we've tied so many gowns at the neck and hadn't needed to bother past that. Cuffs on gowns need to be pulled down far enough so that gloves can come up past the edge. When a doctor or nurse leave a room, I hold out a container for them to deposit their face shields, goggles, blood sugar meters and anything else that needs to come out. I'm only to touch the outside of the container, and they're only allowed to touch the inside. After checking that they've followed the right order, I disinfect the face shields, goggles and container, and I wipe down the outside of the door. Though I'll never see the patient, I can hear his coughs through the crack in the door. I can hear the news rattling on about COVID-19.<br />
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There was a lot of sitting and pacing between staff visits, but I didn't mind. I tried to spend some of my time sending prayers inside through the thick doors but that didn't feel right, in the same way that it doesn't feel right to quit this job. Instead it's as if I am a guard rather than a healer. I'm not saying I can make you better, but I'm saying I'm here, I've got your back, you're safe.<br />
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Where I was scared before, I feel content now. This can only be due to knowing that because the kids are gone, I can't pass any of this virus on to them. There is still the fear that I can't protect them while they're away from me. I can't fill that pit in my stomach and I can't remove the vice that grips my head until they're back. But working on my unit I'm okay. I trust the PPE, or maybe I simply trust fate. I hear nurses talk about sending their spouses and babies away, too. Some aren't concerned but add that they certainly won't risk visiting their aging parents or those who are compromised. When I arrive at the hospital I have to ask what I'll be doing and where they're sending me, as even on a normal day I'm not guaranteed to work in my normal capacity on my floor as a tech or in the cardiac monitoring center. On Sunday I panicked, worrying that I'd sent my kids away when I might be working safely away from the virus, and could have had one more day with them. But then I learned I'd be posted outside of the room, standing guard on my first real day as a solider in the war that separates families.</div>
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No one can have visitors, not just the COVID patients. The curtains have been removed from our unit's rooms as a precautionary measure. I worry about the effect of this distancing on patients' healing. Healthcare workers carry an already tremendous burden and now must function as friend, family, therapist, healer. <br />
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Two months is what I'm hearing.<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-68970451112605124152020-03-27T15:02:00.003-04:002020-03-28T05:49:39.562-04:00My Self-QuarantineToday is the last day before my self-imposed quarantine from my kids. Many of you know my struggles to find meaningful work over the past couple years since having to leave personal training. <a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747/forced-onto-the-front-lines-the-other-side-of-healthcare-d69142ec22fd" target="_blank">Now, it's come to this.</a>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-37772162930752441822019-10-21T13:46:00.006-04:002019-10-21T13:46:57.368-04:00Medium<span style="font-size: large;">Read my essays on Medium.com by clicking <a href="https://medium.com/@amyphillips_90747" target="_blank">here</a>!</span>Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-75790015334719251472019-08-27T13:39:00.002-04:002019-09-03T09:29:18.447-04:00The Intuitive Lifter<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB9PHSJoNiXYeybHiLBI4eUOv7lUvdNugryHUVB-_djOjBxEpAVPCKSwY2HxJ5Y3s_Bq8UWTO3CMsC6o2uK5qfjNdWLgy-pr2KnwUGGZGEjYAyMEE_tXcBOS9WsmtgB2qgdOx3JM0H23A/s1600/amy+parallette+bars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="721" data-original-width="721" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB9PHSJoNiXYeybHiLBI4eUOv7lUvdNugryHUVB-_djOjBxEpAVPCKSwY2HxJ5Y3s_Bq8UWTO3CMsC6o2uK5qfjNdWLgy-pr2KnwUGGZGEjYAyMEE_tXcBOS9WsmtgB2qgdOx3JM0H23A/s400/amy+parallette+bars.jpg" width="400" /></a>It's the standard gym pick-up line, and I never have an easy answer.<br />
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This is a line exclusive to the weight room, to men greeting other men or women. I have never heard a woman say these words (although if a client of mine appeared in the gym outside of our sessions I might be guilty).<br />
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It's simply this: What are you working on today?<br />
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More a connection point between lifters than a come on, the question expects an answer along the lines of "chest and tri's" or "pulling heavy today," with the more woke among us possibly mentioning "mobility" or even "my tree pose."<br />
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For me, though, the explanation runs long. I've become an intuitive exerciser, something Dan John named the "<a href="https://www.t-nation.com/training/training-clarity-one-goal-at-a-time" target="_blank">park bench workout</a>"; it's the art of adjusting your goals to your day or state of mind, of respecting your joints, injuries and the aging process. There's never just one thing I'm working on, for reasons the average lifter on his lunch break shouldn't be bothered with.<br />
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I work twelve-hour shifts at a hospital, with most of them spent on my feet. I walk in a square between patient rooms, and I bend and carry and lift all day long. But there are also shifts during which I sit all day at monitors and analyze heart rhythms. The desk can be adjusted to standing, and I take advantage of this feature, but sitting begets sitting; it's exhausting. I sit more than I stand.<br />
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I'm looking at two sitting shifts coming up this week, which I keep in mind when working out in the days prior. Plus other concerns:<br />
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--I'm babying the traces of plantar fasciitis still present in my left heel<br />
--My menstrual period started<br />
--I don't want delayed-onset muscle soreness (DOMS) to hit when I sit, or it will be exacerbated<br />
--My goals continue to be maintaining basic strength and mobility despite age and health concerns.<br />
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Here's how I approached the week, and why:<br />
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<b>DAY 1</b><br />
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I decide that lifting heavy--even 3 sets of 10--will increase my risk of DOMS on days 3-4 when I have my shifts, but I do want some strength work. I build a circuit of light strength exercises that increase in reps, interspersed with light cardio to keep loose.<br />
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I begin with my daily quick mobility routine on the foam roller and floor and throw in some foundational core work (banana rolls, pelvic bracing) to address the problems I've had since some not-yet-identified gallbladder/appendix/colon issues. Contracting my abs had been triggering bloating and cramps, and avoiding my abs made them weak. I've found that if I work my core as a unit rather than trying anything remotely resembling a crunch, the symptoms abide. It's the smart way to work the core, anyway.<br />
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I then complete three rounds of 10-12-15 dumbbell push presses, dumbbell rows, and narrow stance wide grip barbell deadlifts.<br />
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Between rounds and after the last one, I hit my (soft) heavy bag or the speed bag, or I hop onto the Airdyne. The whole workout is less than an hour, as I get bored easily. I also panic, sometimes, if I plan too many sets. I had originally planned to ladder back down in reps and complete 5 sets, but I became anxious; to respect my mental health, and knowing I would still have a balanced, effective workout, I ended at 3. With my period beginning, anyway, I don't want to push the intensity.<br />
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<b>DAY 2</b><br />
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Once again I begin with a more elaborate plan that I will not follow. I originally thought I'd start with my mobility/core routine, move into a bodyweight circuit that would take me into different planes in anticipation of sitting in just one tomorrow (picture a mix of planks, clock lunges, etc) before jumping on the trampoline. But after I completed my usual warm up, once again anxiety hit; I didn't want to take too much time away from the rest of my day.<br />
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So I cranked up the techno and jumped on the rebounder for twenty minutes of loosening up and nudging the lymphatic system into action. I made sure to do jumping jacks and side twists to hit different planes, but mostly I just enjoyed the freedom of movement and the regular albeit momentary mid-air escapes from earth. There's nothing like it. And all this is good for my plantar fasciitis, by the way; I refuse to subscribe to the belief that one should wear shoes for the rest of one's life after having had PF just once. If you're breaking up the tightness in your arches and calves with a lacrosse ball and addressing the inflammation with a frozen water bottle, and if you're in a good place, please, PLEASE, use your feet. Let them grab the earth or carpet or bounce off a trampoline in your basement. Feet are an amazing invention and you can't always sling them up in shoes or, like an arm in a cast, healing will be limited.<br />
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<b>DAY 3 - DAY 4</b><br />
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Sitting!<br />
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<b>DAY 5</b><br />
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I will most likely take walks on this day or hit the trampoline again, as adding a load would be irresponsible after such a break. I'll ramp up to lifting again, and this will probably coincide with an upcoming on-my-feet-all-day shift. Great time to lift heavy, as the next day's walking is the best defense against DOMS. If I'm using an upper/lower body split, I like to plan the lower body work for the day before my busy shift.<br />
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Did my in-the-moment planning surprise any readers? For you, the realization that three simple exercises make a complete workout might be profound. But it is equally important to hear that a trainer who knows all the right things to do will abruptly call off a workout due to a touch of PTSD. It is what it is. But despite anxiety, cramps, and sitting, it's possible and necessary to move every day. Work for it.<br />
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<i>Find more on this in my new zine, <a href="https://www.amy-phillips.com/zine-howtothinkaboutexercise" target="_blank">How To Think About Exercise</a>, or contact me through my <a href="https://www.amy-phillips.com/contact" target="_blank">website</a>. </i><br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-56947575479739028832019-08-16T15:29:00.002-04:002019-08-16T15:29:51.684-04:00Bourgeois Fitness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have understood the benefits of exercise to include maintenance, mobility, emotional wellness and a good reminder to breathe. I am a certified personal trainer, and I believe passionately in the power of movement.<br />
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Thanks to several recent job changes, however, I see that exercise as I've defined it for years is privileged. The idea of sweating it out at the gym after work is a luxury. The photo of a healthy breakfast bowl is a slap in the face to those who can't afford smoked salmon.<br />
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After a summer spent working light manual labor I thought that I had found the answer. Physical jobs can be the new chasing down your food activity of old: movement built into the workday can keep a person healthy and mobile. These people will stay fit and healthy, <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2018/06/manual-labor-and-exercise-should-there.html" target="_blank">I reasoned</a>, without needing to purchase a gym membership or make time for exercise.<br />
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But the expectations of a physical job can require movement that is often asymmetrical in its demands on the body--think of a production worker reaching and lifting in one direction throughout the day--as well as untidy, with awkward loads that are nothing like lifting the compact barbell. So the reality is that workers with physical jobs ideally still need functional exercise to prevent injuries.<br />
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But workers with physical jobs are often too tired for exercise.<br />
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I work 12.5-hour shifts at a hospital. I am on my feet for all but forty-five minutes of most days. I am walking between rooms, standing in rooms, moving patients, cleaning patients, changing beds. Occasionally I am pulled to a floor where I sit for the 12.5 hours while monitoring and interpreting patients' heart rhythms.<br />
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At the end of either the sitting or the standing shifts, my body feels different effects but the same result: it hurts to move. After I've walked all day, my feet feel unusable and beg for relief; it's all I can do to get to the shower. If I've sat, I'm sore and stiff. And although I know the proper form for lifting and bending, patients come in all shapes and sizes and I still get hurt. If the bed height suits my coworker's frame better than mine, or if one of any number of variables isn't perfect, the strain of moving a larger patient stresses my old elbow injury and creates a new one in my lower back. My willingness to exercise on the days between my shifts is often tampered by uncooperative pain or a need to rest and recover before the next workday.<br />
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It is at these times that I remember the aches and pains of my clients with factory and desk jobs. As their personal trainer, I took their complaints seriously but did not fully understand what their bodies were fighting. Because let's be honest: these lower rung jobs, of which I've held many, preclude the luxury of hanging out in the gym five days a week. You don't have the money for it. Your body can't sacrifice the time for exercise or you won't be able to function at your next shift without recovery from the last one. You want to eat healthy, knowing it would solve many problems you've been experiencing, but doing so takes time and money you don't have.<br />
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Or--and I've experienced this--depression turns daily living into a test of endurance, with exercise feeling like an unachievable Olympic-level event. Exercise helps with depression, of course, but that doesn't mean this tool is necessarily in reach of everyone. I remember a client who struggled with obesity and a family who bought cake instead of supporting her goals; the futility of meeting with me once a week--she couldn't afford more--eventually won out, and nothing I could say or do brought her back to the gym.<br />
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When I see fitness posts on social media, I am reminded of my early passion for lifting and the desire to share my accomplishments. Exercise is a wonderful hobby and a necessary activity for the aging body--which is to say, all of them--and a regular regimen helps everyone. But my current reality makes me see that there are others who can't have what I've been promoting.<br />
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We make our own reality, it can be argued; we are in charge of how we use our resources. To that I say this: walk in my shoes, literally, for twelve hours. You will find that your body rebels, will not and actually cannot perform; and that you haven't made enough money to afford the gym.<br />
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Though that lens, I view enthusiastic fitness posts--of which I've written many--like a billboard for an upscale restaurant in a poverty-stricken area.<br />
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It's been said that you can't talk to a child about grades if they're going to school hungry. I'd like to add that a similar empathy is needed when flaunting fitness, as circumstances hold many people back from doing what they need or want to do.<br />
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I will always exercise and will always promote this essential method to achieving health and wellness, but I am <i><a href="https://www.facebook.com/amythetrainer/" target="_blank">Amy, the Trainer With A Life</a></i> for good reason. Exercise does not govern my life; rather, my life experiences influence the way I see exercise. My sore back and aching feet--your back and feet--teach me life lessons.<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-12134936769532750742019-05-26T13:24:00.001-04:002019-05-26T13:24:35.021-04:00zinefest<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf4AaSqlyW4KrmFe84PZJ-AOtswk8T1OEzomQmX-98X8-WJX3qetNTBfJsso3YhU1kBZwwq53wNpI4idMQgonGXmYaF7XxwS9a0dh8eCKuXWEDGD11RAuHGqpiIXeUNj4hIMZVbxwbGwk/s1600/57484866_2370030743051580_390826785392033792_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf4AaSqlyW4KrmFe84PZJ-AOtswk8T1OEzomQmX-98X8-WJX3qetNTBfJsso3YhU1kBZwwq53wNpI4idMQgonGXmYaF7XxwS9a0dh8eCKuXWEDGD11RAuHGqpiIXeUNj4hIMZVbxwbGwk/s320/57484866_2370030743051580_390826785392033792_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I've been selected to participate in Grand Rapids Zine Fest! It's Saturday, August 31 from 1-6pm at Fountain Street Church. More info <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/414366955789589/" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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Like my blog writing? You'll be surprised by what you find in my zines. <br />
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Can't wait? Purchase them at my website <a href="https://www.amy-phillips.com/" target="_blank">here</a>.Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-25813002697881947392019-05-08T14:39:00.001-04:002019-05-08T14:39:57.032-04:00How We Met<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPtan7_ee6ZHBb2jVe_oWeQDeGzgDdT5gIf6GuAToHak74dO70ONEF0gAw9Id5855rWE8PdImcmo7JXOxZFVNEWDxZspPw5SIcCQNk1qkR1Uk6nMLmNhrOxdxrCX-GOEqhj7UChg8fIeo/s1600/Engagement+the+moment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPtan7_ee6ZHBb2jVe_oWeQDeGzgDdT5gIf6GuAToHak74dO70ONEF0gAw9Id5855rWE8PdImcmo7JXOxZFVNEWDxZspPw5SIcCQNk1qkR1Uk6nMLmNhrOxdxrCX-GOEqhj7UChg8fIeo/s640/Engagement+the+moment.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chris Humphreys of Denver, CO, captured not only the moment Joe popped the question, <br />but also us looking a lot like our younger selves.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Head over to my husband's blog for my most recent piece; I experimented with the form I use to write about other couples in order to tell the story of how I met my great love. Here's the link:<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.joe-maher.com/blog/our-story" target="_blank">Our Story, and how stories are made</a></b>.<br />
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Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-63206585576894720372019-04-17T14:56:00.000-04:002019-04-18T07:48:23.937-04:00It Is FinishedIt was a frantic morning of ridiculous reaching out, an episode made possible only in the age of google, in which I tried to reach a farmer in upstate New York.<br />
<br />
I had found, randomly, online comments by a man who claimed a beloved Christian writer had tried to molest him thirty years before. The writer is now dead and this man must be in his 70s, yet the wound was still very raw, and in his description I heard my own cries to be understood.<br />
<br />
I have not been molested, but I was married to a man who works in church leadership. He's written books on church worship and travels the world as a speaker. Churches sing his songs of praise to Jesus. This Easter Sunday, he'll stand in front of a congregation and lead them to the throne room of the Lord.<br />
<br />
He left me with a $1900 medical bill for our diabetic son after having sought advice on a legal loophole that would absolve him. He told our teenaged boys I cheated on him (I hadn't). He left me with a $272 insurance bill for our other son. He threatened to not allow my sons to attend my wedding. He tried to hit me. He took me to court to force me to sell my house and make his children leave their home of ten years knowing he'd win on a technicality (he did); I was left to pay his legal fees, nearing nine hundred dollars.<br />
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When I signed off on a new mortgage and was able to save the house just in time, I asked about other papers, wanting to be doubly sure this man's name was nowhere. And the lender said, "Honey, it was never his. He signed it all over to you at the divorce. He never needed to put you through this." And I cried, because "this" was six months of trauma. I was called names by his friends. I had lost the ability to speak for a time. I interviewed for jobs while under terrible stress. I lost the client base I had built over two and a half years. I had to beg for time off from a new boss to go to court. I gained significant weight in a short period of time. I tried to comfort the children even as I was crumbling.<br />
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The farmer wasn't touched thirty years ago but he is still hurting. He dropped small but significant clues as to who he is; he wants to be found and helped. I wasn't hit, I kept my house and I have the best kind of love, a great marriage, and yet I am weary and there is no rest.<br />
<br />
Nobody wants their favorite Christian writer to be a molester. Nobody wants their worship leader to be a vindictive liar.<br />
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No one wants their favorite comedian to be a creepy masturbator, either, or one of the best dancers of all time found with naked young boys perched on all fours on his bed. But Hollywood has taken these liars and abusers off the screen and stage, knowing that leaving the spotlight on them is a trigger for their victims. Kevin Spacey was--is--a great actor, but he's got to go. Weinstein's films sell billions but that's not what's important, says Hollywood, who fired him.<br />
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The Catholic church is slowly, at an inexcusable pace, doing the same in removing convicted priests from their roles. Because while abuse is abhorrent, abuse in situations of power and religion is compounded. The Christian message of love, the theology of grace and a declared devotion to right living are complicating factors. Weinstein never promised to be a good man or a follower of Christ, but these priests did. As did the writer and my ex-husband.<br />
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Dutch priest Henri Nouwen introduced the concept of the wounded healer to address the paradox of his insecurities living alongside his remarkable ability to inspire others. Certainly, we are all wounded, and we are all capable of causing harm, changing, and using the experience for good.<br />
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But I have to believe that the farmer was never offered an apology; neither was I. (When I said something about him trying to hit me, his response was not surprise or remorse, but rather, "What do you mean I <i>tried</i> to hit you--I missed?")<br />
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The Easter message proclaims that our sins are forgiven; my ex writes songs that celebrate this magical moment. But whether you believe your sins are buried with Jesus or washed away by his blood, note that all relevant metaphors emphasize severe action, not words, as the means to crush the darkness.<br />
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And yet the darkness of the worship leader is front-lit each Sunday morning, the Christian writer dead but honored at every turn.<br />
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If I ever reach the farmer, I will ask the questions that I myself can't answer.<br />
<br />
Why has this bothered you for so long?<br />
What isn't satisfied in you?<br />
What do you want?<br />
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It is finished, right?<br />
<br />
Why is it never finished?<br />
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<i>An Easter series of sorts. Also see <a href="https://betterwaitforit.blogspot.com/2017/04/he-is-not-here.html" target="_blank">He Is Not Here</a>.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5goAc6b33NT-przXQf1V9-ibd2emhc2tgGqEnnvZfe7hFczEXjeW-1ikybfdkHaazBpGGMd8qPvm0y1AM7zIy_DwqwwsKcoy0iPeIPVbNL5MvNTUTmUct-WLTO5FuHlNihjy3mvbmJ8Y/s1600/IMG-8129.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5goAc6b33NT-przXQf1V9-ibd2emhc2tgGqEnnvZfe7hFczEXjeW-1ikybfdkHaazBpGGMd8qPvm0y1AM7zIy_DwqwwsKcoy0iPeIPVbNL5MvNTUTmUct-WLTO5FuHlNihjy3mvbmJ8Y/s320/IMG-8129.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-31552146419314543292018-09-01T13:00:00.000-04:002018-09-01T13:00:30.986-04:00What I Did This Summer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvMebCGDlGsDmJTIkLWO42V5E8HgHGtHG3KWMA4lDNia1RUVePpoByRvMnvePwF9KwZQxoSyVaYQ-kPhkrnDcNPOfNQMh_ZH4iWXKRBj0STeTDDksZPuv7a9OP5zIhUTdFOEnO7aR-X40/s1600/BS+from+above.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvMebCGDlGsDmJTIkLWO42V5E8HgHGtHG3KWMA4lDNia1RUVePpoByRvMnvePwF9KwZQxoSyVaYQ-kPhkrnDcNPOfNQMh_ZH4iWXKRBj0STeTDDksZPuv7a9OP5zIhUTdFOEnO7aR-X40/s400/BS+from+above.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<blockquote>
<i>The heart of the BS 3000 is our time tested and contractor
proven piston paint pump. Designed for spraying 2500
gallons per year, this pump is used daily by thousands of
painting professionals worldwide--with a reputation for
trouble free performance that’s unmatched in the industry.
It’s compact, easy to use, and quick to clean. Even
changing colors is a breeze. Stripe with water-based
paints made for athletic fields or traffic lines. A professional
quality spray gun is mounted on a multi-position spray arm.
Great balance and light weight make it ideal for a one-man
operation.</i> </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote>
--from the BRITE STRIPER 3000 Instruction manual</blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<br />
The BRITE STRIPER 3000 is my colleague, my therapist, my companion in the stark sun, a test, a coach, a whiny child, an unbidden challenge and unpredictable buddha. I spend long days in vast stretches of parking lots and fields, painting lines in white and safety yellow, and the BS 3000 soothes me. No thoughts are possible beyond this line and then the next, a clearing of the mind with each permanent mark. Stay in the moment. Leave your last mistake behind. At first I would try to cover over an errant line, but this served only to dare it to show through the extra layers of paint. Don't cover your mistakes; leave them be. There is always another opportunity to try again.<br />
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I never imagined I could learn so much from a machine.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivIXjNYguvQ8m2vKNKP4PfjRXCWHLRrGvXLF3EhAdSpLfPfeMoOu4eyIGNUNplULzcyC4rmEqlN2M-42wf9TaCn6lkfs5Ea5u-0iVRf8dx9QnV74uJJKtegCMTsPMS8MhDc9CynXTpBVs/s1600/crosswalk.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivIXjNYguvQ8m2vKNKP4PfjRXCWHLRrGvXLF3EhAdSpLfPfeMoOu4eyIGNUNplULzcyC4rmEqlN2M-42wf9TaCn6lkfs5Ea5u-0iVRf8dx9QnV74uJJKtegCMTsPMS8MhDc9CynXTpBVs/s400/crosswalk.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My confidence, as with the lines, extended only to a point, and then the bright shock of it simply disappeared.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>What Color Is Your Parachute?</i>, a manual for job seekers, predicted that I would work with ideas, not things (aside from "florist," which was offered as an option). It did not foresee the need for side jobs when the ideas wouldn't yet sell at a sustainable level, nor did it know I was not made of matter that could sit at a desk for eight hours. I have to go hard. I can't use the easier gear when I bike, and I can't throw light punches at the boxing gym. For jobs, manual labor was an answer. I spent the early part of the summer sanding floors and repairing bleachers; later, pushing against the weight of the BS 3000 would comfort me at some base level, giving me a support I didn't know I need<i>.</i></div>
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My day begins with three to seven buckets of paint, which first of all need to be opened, a chore that grabs the forearms from a deep sleep and wrestles them to submission. They need to be mixed with a hammer drill, and they must be carried to the lift of my truck, risen, then slid into the bed. They weigh about 57 pounds each, and the handle is thin and cuts into your hand even as the bucket scrapes against your leg. I need buckets of water, too, and their weight at 40 or so pounds is a relief. I carry water in one hand and a gasoline can in the other as a balance.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
The BS 3000 itself then needs to be assembled, the spray gun and its accessories retrieved from their overnight soak in a bucket of water. This first assembly will never be exactly right, somehow, either due to my sleepiness (it is well before 7) or because the machine is not quite awake yet, either. The behavior of machines isn't necessarily consistent between the spectrum of working and broken, I would learn. Some days the hot sun thickened the paint and jammed the line; this was a logical progression of events. But some days everything would be fine and then, suddenly, it was not. And so I learned to deal in things (let me take this apart and clean and reinsert a part or borrow a part from the old piece) rather than ideas (if I call someone, they will save me).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The men--they are all men--are patient. They do not ask if I've done this before, and I don't tell them for quite some time that I am a personal trainer at a gym the rest of the week. They do not know that I have a theatre degree, that I have taught courses for graduate credit, nor that I am a freelance writer with a published book. None of that matters, which is as refreshing as water on these starkly hot days. There is just one other person in the department who has worked the BS 3000 for any stretch of time, and he teaches me. Where I would make a stronger point with someone such as myself, he simply states the information. When I ask, "Is the truck hard to drive?" he says, "I personally don't think so." When I tell the story of a mistake, he says, "I've been there."</div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOyHUIING0yrZtVIFz9sk9hTGC5RwcRYT8uKgieN5KgU-mppEURAFB_qqcHDA2I8efY2XdADyoROTUA9R09jSaNNe2X3KitUGq4xUGWD5VuEtpUyozNMO9fVg-cR0p6Pj9eJUMwCBG4D0/s1600/BS+on+field.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOyHUIING0yrZtVIFz9sk9hTGC5RwcRYT8uKgieN5KgU-mppEURAFB_qqcHDA2I8efY2XdADyoROTUA9R09jSaNNe2X3KitUGq4xUGWD5VuEtpUyozNMO9fVg-cR0p6Pj9eJUMwCBG4D0/s400/BS+on+field.JPG" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These concepts troubled me less now that I had cultivated the art of doing one thing and then the next, relinquishing control over random air bubbles in the line which destroy the illusion of perfection.<br />
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</tbody></table>
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In two days' time, the men would go directly to their trucks in the morning rather than help me load mine. This sign of trust carried me through the times when light shone on my inexperience. I felt like a fraud, but was I? I had more knowledge and experience of the BS 3000 than most of the men in the department. I had finished many lots by then, plus a couple of football and soccer fields. My confidence, as with the lines, extended only to a point, and then the bright shock of it simply disappeared.<br />
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-align: center;">And yet I found my power. My arms, which have always felt heavy with muscle, took on a solidity from my fingertips to my shoulders. My wedding ring barely fit over the engaged tendons of my hand. I could not endure the fatigue of most jobs, the tedium, and yet these days passed quickly as I put down solid line after solid line. Each day I learned something new--the function of a part, how to back up a new truck. For a time I skipped curves, as I had made a spectacular mess on my first try. But during a lot's worth of lines, a meditation, the answer became clear. Lock the wheel into the forward position. Use the wheel lever while painting but don't touch the gas. Squeeze the lever just before the turn, as the line will want to jump.</span><br />
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Above all, turn off your fear and proceed with confidence.<br />
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There is no mention in the manual of a switch called fear.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSz38sRxZQz0DKVGKGVST5DDOeq84cjsCVPOhtgHXf8UOJ5XRXO0PyNCLRBbtBwF2-mtwuAymdcZctkY2GgwDxkVwYi2-1mBZegAvLB4ElMhWiaMIED7cy01Ht2uYTjxox7w_vIJ3Qmuw/s1600/crosswalk+by+traffic.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSz38sRxZQz0DKVGKGVST5DDOeq84cjsCVPOhtgHXf8UOJ5XRXO0PyNCLRBbtBwF2-mtwuAymdcZctkY2GgwDxkVwYi2-1mBZegAvLB4ElMhWiaMIED7cy01Ht2uYTjxox7w_vIJ3Qmuw/s400/crosswalk+by+traffic.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The regular act of testing and pushing my own buttons released that fear</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
The regular act of testing and pushing my own buttons released that fear--of making curves but also of facing my son's transition to adulthood, the burden of my ex-husband's actions, of how long I could sustain such hard work. These concepts troubled me less now that I had cultivated the art of doing one thing and then the next, relinquishing control over random air bubbles in the line which destroy the illusion of perfection. I did not, in those long hours, think about my sons or my ex or my checkbook at any length; the concentration and the exhaustion renders such thinking impossible to sustain. And the humility of manual labor dropped the intensity of my emotions down a notch; nothing was worth that much fuss. A job this tough built me up, just as its invisibility--people would drive over my lines even as I stood there--turned the internal noise down to a quiet hum.<br />
<br />
But the bright sun is causing muscle spasms in my right eye, and my low back isn't happy. Insomnia--from the stress and exhaustion--overwhelms me. I go hard until I am done, and I am done now. And of all the revelations that poured from the BS 3000 in spurts, bubbles and lines, the most surprising to me is that no one wants to hear them.<br />
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When I say I spent the summer doing manual labor, they look away, as if embarrassed for me. But I know I've done what many couldn't. I am capable of more than I thought.<br />
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I can live with my mistakes, now.<br />
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I am able to turn off the fear and walk a straight line, or take a curve when that is needed.<br />
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Because of the BS 3000, I can fix what's broken. And what I did this summer fixed what's broken in me.<br />
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<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-81994985301054499342018-08-11T20:44:00.000-04:002018-08-11T20:56:17.934-04:00sarah<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg660LgKtVrAcramdoRxfy_MPtoqgdMzENsdeRUTo5ATAdqwfDAoAUOgQZlQ0Q47Oo_TvNg1ifTqJ5-NHp9K9pbQ83180LVkHf0znSfqNEziWkSaFtl6eOkn-OKeL5DQSLgdHJWaf9_Imo/s1600/A_2017_JUNE_22_PORTRAIT_SARAHKIL_006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg660LgKtVrAcramdoRxfy_MPtoqgdMzENsdeRUTo5ATAdqwfDAoAUOgQZlQ0Q47Oo_TvNg1ifTqJ5-NHp9K9pbQ83180LVkHf0znSfqNEziWkSaFtl6eOkn-OKeL5DQSLgdHJWaf9_Imo/s400/A_2017_JUNE_22_PORTRAIT_SARAHKIL_006.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I'm using my storytelling skills for good! </div>
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Read about my new venture <a href="http://www.joe-maher.com/your-story" target="_blank">here</a>, and see Sarah's story <a href="http://www.joe-maher.com/blog/sarah" target="_blank">here</a>. It was an honor to write on such a vulnerable subject, and I appreciated her trust. Joe's photos are a perfect accompaniment to this raw, tender account.</div>
Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-15752360445546332152018-06-23T21:02:00.001-04:002018-06-24T12:05:44.660-04:00Manual Labor and Exercise: should there be one without the other?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My first experience in a manual labor job brought up all sorts of questions for me as a personal trainer. Is this how it should be? Should exercising our bodies have a tangible purpose of, say, carrying a toolbox from here to there because someone needs a wrench, rather than suffering the monotonous repetition of weightlifting sets? Exercise felt pointless to me for a time, even though I knew that I was able to perform the tasks because I was in good shape. I also knew that I was tired at the end of each eight-hour day, and that the last thing I needed was a workout.</span></b><br />
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Before throwing in the sweaty towel on personal training, I wanted to talk to Bill Griffey. Bill's a personal trainer who teaches physical education in the public schools, and he coaches football and track and field. I was right: he was the one to ask. Read on for some insights on how to strike a balance in activity levels between work and the rest of life.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">------------</span></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">Bill, you and I are both trainers who worked in the same gym, but we've
also shared an office and a desk job. I remember you saying
that the men in your family joked about you sitting at a desk—that someday
you’d get a “real” job. Can you speak to the importance of physical work to
your family?</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Growing
up, all the men in my life worked manual labor jobs. My grandfather on my dad's
side was a heavy diesel mechanic. My grandfather on my mom's side worked in a
factory building parts for Navy ships. Both of my grandfathers were WWII veterans.
My father's profession was a truck driver, and since he delivered locally, he
was required to help unload the trucks, as well. I remember my 6’ 3”,
250lb father often coming home exhausted from a long day at work. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It
was important for my father to instill a hard work ethic in his children. We
were required to complete many chores around our property, such as cutting and
carrying wood, lawn care and house cleaning. Along with our chores, we were
expected to work a job for local farmers or anyone else who needed help. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My
first job was at 10, for a furniture-making business. I was required to load
and unload flatbeds with lumber. Until I was 17, I worked for local farmers
during the summers bailing hay, milking cows, carrying large rocks from fields and various other duties.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My
father did not attend school beyond eighth grade, so he always felt insecure in
his influence on our education. He wanted to teach his children how to grind
and be proud of our work ethic and accomplishments. I will always cherish his
influence. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PF9zmv7oDZ8YQkWcKhO67NJ-PWhC-xh_WBa2Cbh0CTFHJgqmzv03U8GpsuT0SfDfadr8Hl5SbL7ukf-JY7eeU1UqmefM66R-rYhikIzOUffXiYOY2gtQqeoN-yl9yh1IHcB2tquvNVU/s1600/bill+coaching.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="916" data-original-width="1221" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PF9zmv7oDZ8YQkWcKhO67NJ-PWhC-xh_WBa2Cbh0CTFHJgqmzv03U8GpsuT0SfDfadr8Hl5SbL7ukf-JY7eeU1UqmefM66R-rYhikIzOUffXiYOY2gtQqeoN-yl9yh1IHcB2tquvNVU/s400/bill+coaching.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I'm guessing that your exhausted father did
not pursue recreational exercise in the way that you do today. You coach
football and track, but you also advocate for exercise as an end to itself in
your role as personal trainer. Thinking about your dad and people who do similar
labor, what would you say is the role of exercise for those who already move
all day? Does it depend on the job? And as for the rest of us, do we need exercise
simply because our days do not include the unloading of trucks?<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">Exercise prescription for
someone who performs manual labor for a living can be vastly different, yet
eerily similar, to someone who sits behind a desk all day. Unfortunately, many
people who work manual labor jobs suffer from chronic pain due to overuse of
certain tissues. In my experience, many people who perform manual labor do so
with improper form which leads to dysfunction. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Of
course, by learning how to hinge, brace, squat, and rotate efficiently, many
manual laborers will avoid debilitating chronic injuries. My primary goal as a
trainer for someone like my father would be to improve the primary
movement patterns (squat, hinge, press, pull, lunge, rotation, gait) and
improve mobility in problematic areas such as the hips, low back, and thoracic
spine. The training sessions would look like a blend of physical therapy and
functional strength training. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">Also for those of us who are
not blessed to have a job that keeps us physically active, we need exercise and
N.E.A.T. (non-exercise activity thermogenesis), which is a fancy acronym for
our need to move around more. Exercise prescription for someone who does not
perform manual labor can be tricky, because you are looking for a way for them
to adhere to the plan. Most movement feels unnatural and uncomfortable, so
programming can be a challenge. It's an art form as well, because you the
trainer need to find methods and exercises that will motivate your client to
stay active even when they are not in a session. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">But let's say the job is fairly balanced in its
demands on the body. I recently finished my first week in a manual labor job
fixing school bleachers. I climbed a ladder to reach the bolts up high, and I
crawled underneath the lowest steps. I used my abs, feet, and triceps to scoot
between these tight spaces. Sometimes I'd grab onto anything I could and raise
my body in a pull up in order to move, and of course used external rotation of
the shoulders to check and tighten thousands of bolts. The old bleachers needed
to be pulled out by hand, so I'd hip hinge and drive through my feet. Pushing
them back in was almost more difficult, but I remembered technique from my
experience in strongman pushing trucks, and used that. We'd have to track down
custodial staff in each building, and that involved a lot of walking while
carrying a heavy toolbox, extension cords, lights and a ladder.</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">All in all, I faired pretty well, short of a little elbow strain
on the arm that usually held the wrenches, and a little lower back discomfort
from those spaces where I didn't need to crawl but couldn't quite stand up in,
either. But that elbow often gives me trouble, anyway; it's an old boxing injury.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">When I train others and when I program my own exercise, I always
emphasize functional movement patterns, and these served me well in this
situation, though I'm fully aware that my time working was brief and not day in and day out. I'm remembering
a conversation I had with a kid who worked for a moving company. I had been thinking
that such a job could keep a person very fit--you're lifting heavy things every
day!--but he said that every morning he woke up and was miserable. Carrying odd-shaped heavy objects through changing spaces was taking its toll.</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>So my question is this: if a person has a
well-balanced workload in his/her manual labor job and has a good sense of how
to move and load his body, does he need exercise outside of work? Did your dad
need exercise, or did he fulfill his lifting requirements at work and then
loosen up by throwing a football to you?</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">Will someone who has a
well-balanced workload have a "need" to exercise? Yes and no. I can
think of a few of my uncles who have worked as general contractors their entire
adult lives and have maintained a lean physique and reportedly have been given
a clean bill of health from their doctors. </span>But <span style="color: #222222;">if one them came to me with this question, I would answer
by describing how regular exercise could drastically improve their performance
at work. I would also describe the mental benefits of having another physical
practice outside of work. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">You teach physical education to children in
a very purposeful fashion: practicing the primal movement patterns to make sure
their bodies move well and as designed. A kind of preventative occupational
therapy for the laborers in your midst?</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Yes,
I teach the primal movement patterns with my elementary students. I also teach an hour at
the middle school; three days per week are dedicated to a group workout highlighting a
fitness component such as speed, strength, endurance or flexibility. Then</span><span style="color: #222222;"> I talk to my students about the
lifelong benefits of having an efficient aerobic system, or balance, or strength. </span><span style="color: #222222;">After each workout, the students write in a training journal about how they felt about the workout and which fitness components were emphasized. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Over
80% of my class are non-athletes. so this may be the only education they receive
about health and fitness. </span><span style="color: #222222;">I'm excited about our commitment to lifelong fitness.</span></span></div>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Me too, Bill. This is how it should be.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222;">Find Bill on Instagram: @runningbear2</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-8247210495675941472018-03-19T14:53:00.000-04:002018-03-20T13:27:38.258-04:00Who Did This To My SonMy son watched "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri" and said, "It's amazing how they got you to like the main character by the end."<br />
<br />
Mildred's daughter has been killed, and she rents three billboards to challenge the chief of police to seek justice, as the case has stalled. The billboards are seen as insensitive--the chief has cancer--and the town rebels in ways that are aggressive (Mildred is confronted in the gift shop where she works), passive aggressive (the chief suggests he'll keep her too busy to work and therefore be unable to pay future rent on the signs) and stupid (high school kids throw cans at her car).<br />
<br />
Mildred, in turn, is also stupid (she kicks the high school students in their groins, even the girl). The billboards themselves, in their stark black lettering against a red background, are a passive aggressive act (RAPED WHILE DYING / AND STILL NO ARRESTS? / HOW COME, CHIEF WILLOUGHBY?). And she is aggressive in the face of danger; when the dentist mentions the signs and lunges with his drill to remove a tooth he's barely examined, Mildred closes her mouth and uses his force and momentum to drill something other than her tooth.<br />
<br />
Throughout the film you are held in the tension between empathy for a mother who lost her daughter, and thinking, "Couldn't she have drilled through only part of his thumbnail?" Mostly, there's empathy and respect. She's fierce and she seeks revenge because she's been hurt. Mildred is not without heart; she turns on a dime when the chief, in the middle of taunting her, coughs up blood; she calls him "baby."<br />
<br />
But she wants to know who did this to her daughter, and no man will stop her.<br />
<br />
My son saw only a vengeful woman. "I mean, she didn't need to hurt the dentist like that."<br />
<br />
Who did this to my son?<br />
<br />
Why would my my son sympathize first with aggressive and passive aggressive men over a fierce, wounded woman? This is a smart, sensitive kid. This is a kid I ask to proof my professional writing because he sees deeper layers. He's in touch with his emotions, though he's young.<br />
<br />
Who did this?<br />
<br />
We have many talks. We clearly needed another one.<br />
<br />
I talked him through the dentist scene.<br />
<br />
"You saw that he didn't really look at her tooth, right? You heard him mention the billboards? We got the sense that he was angry and also irresponsible. She was in danger, though he hadn't made a move yet. She had to act or she'd be hurt."<br />
<br />
"You need to understand that men have power over women--even small men, and even strong women."<br />
<br />
The other day I was taking off a jacket, and he had said, "Man, Mom, look at your arms. You could totally mess someone up." I told him that I probably couldn't, for all my muscle, nor would I want to. He's got this idea that I'm strong and tough, and I'm good with that. But he needed to know that most men are stronger.<br />
<br />
I told him that I've been in situations where I knew I was in danger because a man was angry. I told him about the chiropractor who raged at me before taking my neck in his hands for treatment, and how I knew to wait it out rather than run. And then there was the much bigger x-ray technician who told me to take off my pants in front of him, and how I demanded a woman be brought into the room while I looked around for something to swing.<br />
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I told my son that I've been in a variety of situations and have had to act differently each time, as Mildred did. I told him that I've had a knife to my face but I knew the young kid had no intention to use it, so I played dumb and was let go. <br />
<br />
And I told him that one of the toughest female boxers of all time, Christy Martin, who hit like a man, <a href="https://www.si.com/boxing/2016/07/01/christy-martin-boxer-career-shooting-domestic-violence" target="_blank">was beaten and shot by her then husband, and left to die.</a> She didn't have a fighting chance.<br />
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Strong is good in a woman, my son, but it won't get you very far. He would have hurt her. And did you notice how the men used different ways to verbally abuse her? She handled each man differently. Her ex-husband choked her and she had to let that go. Did she think she deserved to be choked because she had just made a snarky comment about his teenage girlfriend?<br />
<br />
Do <i>you</i> think she deserved to be choked because she made a snarky comment?<br />
<br />
I didn't tell my son that I spent ten years thinking I deserved to be hit.<br />
<br />
His father and I had been arguing; he was walking around the bedroom while I reclined in bed. I don't remember what was said, only that he raised his hand as if to hit me and then slammed the headboard next to my face instead. Later, he would apologize, saying that he regretted the moment, and adding, "but the way you rolled your eyes."<br />
<br />
The incident never bothered me. He'd apologize every few months in the same manner, and I'd think, Hey, it's over. Nothing happened. I forgot about it, eventually.<br />
<br />
And then I got together with my current husband, and I remembered. Being with Joe makes me feels safe, which in turn has made me more afraid. Or, rather, more aware: it's as if I can finally see the danger around me now that I've relaxed into safe arms.<br />
<br />
And when I relaxed, it hit me: for ten years I believed that because I rolled my eyes, I deserved a hand to my face. I was spared what I deserved. I didn't require an apology.<br />
<br />
I didn't tell my son, but he knew. In the worst way, he knew.<br />
<br />
Recently, I told his father that I'd write about this event someday as a way to heal and understand. When I brought it up, he didn't protest or look surprised; instead, he said, "I don't remember that." And then he added, "What do you mean I <i>tried</i> to hit you. I missed?"<br />
<br />
My son, I will find a way to tell you that this is not how real men act. This is not how to treat a woman--even strong women. Even women who drill through fingernails. No woman deserves to have power lorded over them in actions or words. I will tell you it's not your fault that you saw only what you knew. That I'm sorry you weren't raised in a way that would have helped you see this more clearly. It's taken me years, too, to see the tall black lettering calling out for justice.<br />
<br />
<br />Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5712393967576531341.post-54402514420348942382017-04-16T15:34:00.000-04:002019-04-17T11:37:58.918-04:00He is not here<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">A jury of peers interrogated Captain Sully after he saved the lives of an entire plane.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Save five weeks in 1959, God left Mother Teresa for the duration of her fifty-year ministry. ...</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #202020;">the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see,--Listen and do not hear--the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak ...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Trump became president. </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Prince is gone.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
Abraham Lincoln was shot, Martin Luther King, Jr, was shot, the BBC's Mary Watson, a skilled former agent, was taken down by a bitter old hag.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The pattern is there since the start of time and yet it is only now, in my 47th year, I have seen and understood that things that shouldn't happen do.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had spent much energy fighting this reality, which is curious because I have a <a href="https://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi" target="_blank">Guest House</a> approach to most of life: allow things to happen, let visitors and new experiences penetrate and meld you, don't think you have more control than you do. Yes, I work in the fitness field and make sure my clients know they will get stronger and feel better under my care and through their own agency, and yet anyone who hires me knows I am intuitive and not pushy. I accomplish what I can within the natural ebb and flow of a body's natural rhythms. I do not promise the world, but often hand a chunk of it over.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">And yet I found myself shattered last week at Lincoln's tomb. I am like a child--or a fundamentalist or a innocent, a sociopath or a scientist, in that I expect that a certain A equals a certain B. That having a thinking, witty man in the White House crying over the war ensures he will stay the course.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Lincoln shouldn't have been shot. But Lincoln is dead.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Prince shouldn't have overdosed on fentanyl. Prince is dead. He is not here.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">An autistic man I met was burdened after Prince's death; he had come to process and endure each day's sensory onslaught only through the star's music. Prince had died. Unbuttoning his shirt to reveal the large purple symbol on a chain, he told me there would be no more new songs from Prince. The permanence of this reality rendered him vulnerable, and exposed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">There was a period of time following my divorce when every conversation I had with my kids sounded as if we were on a lifeboat in the high seas, ready to sink. It started with Trump: I needed them to know that women aren't objects to be grabbed. And then their father was caught with his married assistant--caught, warned, caught, fired--and I couldn't rest until I knew these two teenaged boys understood that married women are off limits, that positions of power are not to be underestimated, and that above all, if one is capable a high level of deception, something deep inside has broken. Catch that radar early if you ever fear it's off, I told them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had to make sure they were equipped to have healthy relationships of their own. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had to provide that mirror therapists talk about, to help them see what they were seeing. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had to tread carefully, to maintain a distance between the act and the actor. I chose my words with care and precision. Addressed the issues and not the agent, and only at intervals. Mirrored what I needed to mirror because this, this was everything that would shape their future and their outlook and their beliefs. I couldn't not talk about it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">There were so many had to's. I was so weary of this.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As I kicked against the goads, I grew hoarse with the sound of my own voice. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Finally, a new disrespect arrived, one I had to swallow, not mirror, in order to protect them from knowing. Sully saved everybody and was treated like a criminal, and now, I couldn't breathe. My shoulders came forward to protect the breast that had lost its air. Right then, I stopped fighting the reality that is the Buddha's first noble truth: Life is suffering. I acknowledged the trauma that was surfacing in my body, presenting itself as flashbacks and not flight or fight, but freeze.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Later that day I gave my last captain's call. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I need you to know that I will never avoid any opportunity to prepare you to be adults on your own. And </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I need you to know that I believe your dad is a good dad. </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">With that, I grew quiet. They looked at me, searching for that woman who, with passion, helps them process their world. She must be somewhere behind that new, vacant stare. And she was--is--but she's tired.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because there are battles I can't ever win. Things that shouldn't happen do.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Without the fighting I feel more vulnerable. If I don't fight, won't injustice always win? Or Lincoln dies no matter if he had sent away his bodyguard or not?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I saw the tomb: Lincoln is dead. As is my grandmother, who had prayed for me every day of my life. I had expected, I suppose, that once she was closer to the source my blessings would grow, but I have felt a growing coldness, instead. She is not there. He is not here.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Nobody's praying for me now and I'm not safe, I told a coworker on a rough day, through tears. She said, very gently, that I could do it, I could pray for myself.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I didn't say is Mother Teresa is dead, and He is not here.</span></span><br />
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Amy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08507991317076642201noreply@blogger.com0