wait for it

DIARY 2 If I stay in my job I could get sick and be sick for a long time If I stay in my job I could die. If I stay in my job and die then my kids lost a parent If I don't stay in my job maybe I could see my kids. If I don't stay in my job my kids could get sick anyway If I don't stay in my job we won't have benefits. If I don't stay in my job my full-time position might go away, too I played this mortality game last night. I am willing to sacrifice everything to keep my children safe and yet I have no guarantees that they would be. It's all a crapshoot, but I can't sleep if there's an action I could be taking. Is there? None of these combinations stand out as winners. My fate might already be sealed tight, like the doors of a hospital isolation room. *   *   * Got up early for the "healthcare hours" at the grocery store. 7am after finishing a 12 the night before? I showed my badge upon entering but it didn't seem anyone ...

As a way to continue the story I told in this essay on Medium , I plan on using my blog to keep a diary of the days spent working in a hospital during the COVID-19 crisis while in a self-imposed quarantine from my kids. I anticipate--no, plan on--freeform thoughts rather than my usual essays, so that I can write when I'm tired and not care about syntax or themes. DIARY 1 I found a little 3x5 memo book and decided to list out jobs I've had. With one page per job, I'm up to 25. Here you will find elementary school drama teacher, church secretary, reptile handler. Personal trainer, children's choir manager, stage manager. I quit Wendy's at 17 after a month; grease and contact lenses don't mix. I quit all of the jobs, I guess you could say, except writer and nurse tech. I still don't understand why I haven't yet left hospital work. It's not my chosen profession, and the apocalypse is nigh. But something inside me is saying don't leave now. ...

Today is the last day before my self-imposed quarantine from my kids. Many of you know my struggles to find meaningful work over the past couple years since having to leave personal training. Now, it's come to this.