THEO: Don't wear your hair in two ponytail things.
ME: Why not?
THEO: You're like a two-year-old girl whose birthday is today.
THEO: I am deeply disturbed by the holes in your sweatpants.
ME: At least I'm not like those guys who wear their pants hanging down.
THEO: But those guys aren't my mom.
THEO: Those pants make your butt look big.
ME: I want my butt to look big.
THEO: But it looks really big.
ME: I want it to look really big.
THEO: It's "all about that bass."
THEO: But do you want to look like that? [points to large, elderly woman walking past]
THEO: I don't like the pink streak in your hair.
ME: Why not?
THEO: I'm not sure.
ME: Because it looks like I'm trying too hard?
ME: Like I think I'm 20?
ME: Like I'm a girl who spends all day at the mall?
THEO: Just... don't do it again.
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